“It was not until I stepped into the 12-Step community that I realized the safety and protection I felt in my family was really protecting all the addictions, not the people.”

On Saturday mornings, various members of four generations of my father’s family drifted in and out of my Grandmother’s kitchen. We eagerly congregated around the table to “spill the tea” and “get” all the “scoops.” She shared the location and condition of family members serving in the military. She could tell you whether or not your aunt passed her Real Estate License exam, and she knew why your cousin would not be coming to the Memorial Day picnic and who would have to apologize before that day to change that.

Not only did she make strong coffee and decadent chocolate waffles, but she also served plates of platitudes. A generous purveyor of unsolicited advice, Grandma told you whether or not she liked who you were dating, what she thought you’d be able to do with your intended college major, if your current work behavior was likely to get you fired, and exactly what type of person your outfit, shoes, or accessories made you look like.

Despite her “no holds barred” approach, we generally all felt loved, mostly accepted, and reasonably safe. Compared to how we all felt in the rest of the world – at our jobs, with our ex-spouses, raising our kids, that kitchen table offered a sanctuary where we could feel the temporary bliss of relative peace and accord.

Every week, we’d keep coming back, regardless of any corrective feedback we might have been given last time and in spite of what got said about people who weren’t there, because most of what Grandma shared from her own experience and strength had the immediate feel of undeniable truth, and the feel that the intent was to advance family members towards success.

For example, when she said that my cousin’s boyfriend was a “dink,” everyone agreed, but no one had wanted to say it out loud. When family members were feuding, she was quick to say which side was “being stupid,” although she still loved and accepted both and encouraged the injured party to be patient for the offender to come around. When she informed me that my 18-year-old cousin was making as much money as a UPS driver as I was as a 26-year-old Ph.D., I didn’t love hearing it, but I would have never guessed that on my own and it prompted me to request a raise.

As lovely as that all was, it had a major drawback in that the acceptance each family member was afforded automatically included acceptance of any addictions that person had that they could indulge while also still holding a job, paying their bills, and being able to perform household chores.

All of us were addicted to caffeine. That was not a problem, just an intelligent way to enhance performance. We pretty much all ate food that was mostly sugar and fat. Also not a problem as long as you could still carry 2 folding chairs, a casserole, and some presents to a baby shower. Ninety-five percent of us smoked cigarettes. It wasn’t celebrated, but it was condoned, provided you were over 15 and didn’t get caught by cops or teachers.

When family members graduated to more harmful addictions (and ALL OF US DID), it was never seen as a problem until it caused some other problem. My cousins and I and our aunts and uncles abused alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, credit cards, sex and relationships, video games, pornography, gambling, binging and purging, and thrill-seeking. The most enterprising of us also added workaholism to the mix and held it as the highest priority. Until you got arrested, none of that was really discussed, and, if you managed to keep your job despite having gotten arrested, that was cause for celebration, not for serious self-examination.

It was not until I stepped into the 12-Step community that I realized the safety and protection I felt in my family was really protecting all the addictions, not the people. In a 12-Step program, you’re not going to get unsolicited advice, but people will share with you their experience, strength, and hope. You will be loved, but your behavior will not be overlooked and unconditionally accepted. People will speak truth to your face, not behind your back. Neither years in program nor years of age give anyone license to make rules or dictate traditions. No one is an ultimate authority. Group decisions are made with humility and trust in a Higher Power. Although nothing replaces the feelings of familial love and acceptance, my 12-Step family is actually much safer for me than was the family I was given through birth. You may find the same is true for you. Anyone can visit an Open 12-Step meeting, just to see how they feel. There is no obligation to join or return.

See you in the Rooms!

Dr. Marlo Archer, CGP, C-DPS, TEP

Learn more at https://www.AzPsychodrama.com