If you’re like me, you occasionally find yourself jolted out of the relaxation of a leisurely stroll by tripping over something you didn’t see. My immediate response is to look back to discover the culprit, and, perhaps, curse whoever left it there to trip me up in my inattentive state. Finding a large crack in the sidewalk, a gnarly tree root breaking the surface of the path, or a child’s toy car can offer a face-saving explanation for the stutter-step and restore your dignity among any audience you might have had for your deranged ballet.
Will I ever live this down?
Once back firmly on your feet, assessments are made. Is anything broken? Am I bleeding? Did I rip my clothes? Where did my hat fly off to? Who saw that? Is anyone laughing? Will I ever live this down? How did this happen? Whose fault is this? How did I miss that? Why don’t they have this part blocked off? How will I prevent the next person from tripping over this same thing?
It’s obviously a huge relief to find that all your limbs bend properly, you haven’t just torn the $85 hiking pants you JUST bought, and that your keys, although they did fall out of your pack, are back in your possession, assuring convenient transportation away from this debacle. However, it is also generally a huge relief to look around and realize that really, no one saw this happen, especially if no obvious cause for the fall is determined, other than one’s own clumsiness or the slight decline in balance you’re experiencing from no longer being 15 years old. Or 20. Or 50.
Once back on the path, headed safely back from the adventure, if there’s no evidence of the event, you get to decide whether or not you’ll share the story with anyone. I’m guessing many people simply never say a word of it to anyone, letting the event pass without any fanfare. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with keeping such a thing to oneself, but not sharing potentially embarrassing stories could eventually be quite dangerous, possibly even fatal.
One philosophical thought experiment asks, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” I offer the following twist – If you make a mistake and no one is around to see it, does it make an impact?
What if this isn’t the first time you tripped over nothing while hiking alone? What if it happens quite regularly? Keeping the information to yourself could prevent you from alerting a physician to the start of some rather treatable condition you’re developing. What if it wasn’t tripping, but getting mildly disoriented on your walk? If you’re walking your neighborhood and temporarily forget which way to turn to go back home, that can be embarrassing, too.
People often let that happen a time or two or ten without letting anyone know. What if it’s not a walk, but rather, a drive? Oh sure, everyone gets turned around from time to time, but what if that’s happening more and more? Do you tell anyone, or just keep driving, hoping you always meander your way safely to your destination. What about falling asleep while watching TV? That seems normal, right? Not embarrassing? Why does everyone deny it’s happening when confronted? Now put that sleepy person behind the wheel, alone, slightly disoriented, and raise the speed limit to 75. Now the failure to tell anyone could be fatal to you or others.
Apply this to the wide variety of less-than-intelligent choices we can make over the course of a day or a lifetime. To keep an embarrassing mistake to oneself could put a variety of people in physical or emotional danger. Folks who aren’t disclosing past mistakes on job applications are sometimes being found out later and fired, despite performing the job adequately.
I’m aware of lots of people whose secret mistakes are now being uncovered by genetic tests like 23 & Me, with devastating emotional consequences for individuals and families. There’s often a line between “operable” and “inoperable” when it comes to tumor development. No one ever died of embarrassment, but people have surely died of not sharing embarrassing information in a timely manner.
If you’re holding something embarrassing, please find someone to tell before the embarrassing condition moves across the line from merely mortifying to actually mortal.
Dr. Marlo Archer is a fellow of the American Society of Group Psychotherapy & Psychodrama and a Certified Supervisor with the International Deliberate Practice Society, actively engaged in training the next generation of experiential healers.
