Getting Cooperation
The main issue with drug testing can be getting the cooperation of the test-taker. Probation officers possibly have the strongest methods to gain compliance — either come in and take your drug test, or your probation may get revoked and you’ll go back to jail.
Parents have some muscle to pressure a minor (or adult) child to produce a sample by the withholding of some privilege until a test is conducted. Some have made regular drug-testing a condition of continuing to get a driver’s license, use the family car, socialize with friends, or even to live in the house past the age of 18.
Employers have a little leverage to require pre-hire, post-accident, or possibly even random drug tests for certain kinds of jobs, but unless carefully monitored, some of these can be circumvented by clever addicts invested in continued use and continued employment. You may not be able to force a roommate to take a drug test, but any roommate that is unacceptable can eventually be kicked out, or moved away from, sometimes without having to face any sort of confrontation. Having the least ability to influence each other to drug test might be people in domestic partnerships like marriage.
When you suspect your spouse is using, you can just go ahead and ask. If they admit to substance use, it would be prudent to believe them and act accordingly. However, once you ask, a variety of responses may ensue that eventually have you doubting yourself and regretting having asked. Your partner may express being deeply hurt by your lack of trust. They may become sullen, withdraw, or cry. Alternatively, they could express extreme anger about the accusation. They could yell, scream, curse, throw something, punch a wall, threaten violence, leave temporarily, or end the relationship.
Using humor as a response
The person might indicate, with laughter, they cannot even believe you would think such a thing. If they don’t take it seriously, they might dismiss the request or just ignore it as if it never even happened.
They might respond with calm, polite diffusion of the situation, that doesn’t ever actually result in them taking a test.
They could become more attentive and express their caring. They might use gentle physical touch, reassuring words, reminders of lots of good times, and statements about how much better things have been. They might accept blame for bad behaviors without admitting using substances. They can apologetically mention how tired they’ve been or how stressful it’s been at work, and agree they have been intolerable lately and their partner doesn’t deserve that. They may make promises to amend the behavior and embark upon that immediately by doing something useful around the house to distract from the request made to test them for substances.
What’s to do in this really confusing situation?
If a partner won’t submit to a drug test, then go get “tested” yourself. Obviously, I don’t mean you should produce a urine sample and submit it to a lab, but I do suggest that you produce a sample of your thinking and submit it to some sort of independent analysis like a long-term, loving friend or family member, a psychotherapist, members of an Al-Anon or CODA group, heck, even ask Chat GPT!
Eventually, all of these sources will bring you around to the same conclusion. Someone who is not using substances has no real reason to deny their partner’s sincere request to take a drug test and further investigate why their partner is even thinking such a thing. Either there has been something very wrong with the behavior of the accused, there is something going wrong in the relationship, or there is something wrong with the accusing partner.
In any case, refusing or ignoring the request is never an appropriate complete and final response in a mature, intimate, committed relationship worth continuing.
Dr. Marlo Archer is a fellow of the American Society of Group Psychotherapy & Psychodrama and a Certified Supervisor with the International Deliberate Practice Society, actively engaged in training the next generation of experiential healers.
