The Blame Game

By Dr. Dina Evan

There is a story of a woman in India who was upset her son was eating too much sugar. No matter how much she chided him, he continued to satisfy his sweet tooth. Totally frustrated, she decided to take him to see their great hero, Gandhi. She approached the great leader respectfully and said, “Sir, my son eats too much sugar. It’s not good for his health. Would you please advise him to stop eating it?” Gandhi listened carefully, and spoke to her son, “Go home and come back in two weeks.” The woman looked perplexed wondering why he had not asked the boy to stop eating sugar. She took the boys hand and they went home.

Two weeks later she returned, boy in hand. Gandhi motioned for them to come forward. Looking directly at the boy he said, “Boy, you should stop eating sugar. It is not good for your health.” The boy promised he would not continue this habit any longer.

The boy’s mother turned to Gandhi and angrily asked, “Why didn’t you tell him that two weeks ago when I brought him to see you?”Gandhi smiled, “Mother, two weeks ago I had not stopped eating sugar myself.”

Gandhi lived in such integrity he would not allow himself to give advice unless he was himself was living it, in and with integrity. Today, we want to blame our leaders, parents, kids, even neighbors for everything that goes wrong. Wouldn’t it be easier to say, “Hmm, I have not yet done that myself!”

Why do we fear taking personal responsibility?

I think it is because we think it means failure on our part, when in fact, it  means we have courage and integrity. We are learning and we earn respect by taking responsibility instead of tap dancing around looking for someone else to blame. In order to begin accepting personal responsibility, we must be willing to learn, rather than being stuck in ego. I think it’s about, “Would we rather be right or wise.”

Once you understand we are all connected, are still learning and making mistakes here and there, it’s easier to take personal responsibility. And once you role-model that, it becomes easier for others to do the same. The cost of not taking personal responsibility is big. It causes you to lose a sense of yourself and who you are, and causes others to distance from you because you become less safe, unwilling to share the joy or burden of growing. When you blame others or refuse to show up in honesty, you cut the real and meaningful connections, — the precious reason you’re here in the first place — to create those connections, as teacher, as friend, as parent or mentor.

How do we stop playing the blame game?

First hesitate, the next time you want to tell a white lie or shirk responsibility and silently ask, “What it is it I’m are afraid of?”  Then you stop the blaming habit in its tracks, and take control by stepping into your own power. No excuses. No fumbling. Just blurt out kindly, the whole damn truth and wait for the compassion. Wait to watch your friends get more honest. Wait to feel the respect coming at you and wait for the appreciation for your honesty.

Remember you can’t control anyone else’s response to your honesty and taking responsibility. You may lose a friend or two who is not yet ready to follow suit. This planet is a school and this is one of the great lessons it offers. Don’t miss it. Like Gandhi, it builds your character and makes you the master you came here to be.

Dr. Evan is a marriage, family, child therapist and consciousness counselor. She has presented nationwide seminars and workshops, written several books and created meditation CDs for couples, individual and mental health professionals. Visit drdinaevan.com or call 602-571-8228