By Dr. Dina Evan

Dr. Evan specializes in relationships, personal and professional empowerment, compassion and consciousness. 602-997-1200, 602-571-8228, [email protected] and www.DrDinaEvan.com. 

Most people stay in the shallow end of life, deciding at some point to never take a risk, avoid any conflict, fly low, and fearfully with judiciousness they veer away from anything that causes them discomfort.  No conflict. No truths. No uncertainty. That decision was never an option for me.

I was thrown into the soup early on. Mine was a smack you up the side of the head and learn to sink or swim beginning. So, I did, swim that is, and the water was deep and without choice. There were no shallow ends to play in. There was only getting behind the wheel at age eleven to check my passed-out mom into Camelback hospital again or chasing her rapist all over town after he blew through my brother and I at our front door as we came home. By the time I was three, I knew everything in the world, my world, was not just fine and superficial was never an option.

After leaving home at 13, I grew older and wiser. I began to wonder if my mom’s alcoholic dad and her four alcoholic brothers were the reason she could not breathe without a drink. Was it in her DNA or was I simply never able to offer more than whatever was in her can of Coors? I left home at thirteen and it wasn’t until years later I also learned she was my finest teacher and our short-lived life of hardship together was an enormous gift.

Without the valuable experiences of life with mom, I might have never understood that tissue thin offers nothing of value to genuine soul work, that unvarnished truth is the foundation of every real relationship and the fastest way out of pain is straight through it. My mom was a master teacher and because of my metaphysical beliefs, I also believe she had contracted with me, to offer her life of pain so that I could learn these things.

Today, as I approach the end of my life, I reflect on a panorama of deeply connected moments, with soul deep cohorts, and a family, the majority of whom, know the value of and are committed to entering into discomfort temporarily, for the sake of healing and love. I am so grateful for each of them. And I hope you will give yourself the gift of that as well. But how?

The first step is to own everything; every hardship, every painful experience and everything for which you are still blaming someone else. Try to explore the possibility that you created everything in your life in service to your own soul and figure out what you have learned or need to learn from your experiences.

Remove the word you from your vocabulary. Start by listening to your intuition. Trust it. When you feel something is not being said, try saying, ‘I feel there is something unspoken that we need to talk about. Would you help me discover what that is?’

Be brave enough to take ownership of your wise mind. If you are met with denial, simply respond by saying, Would you be willing to talk with me about it if you discover something after you check in? Remember this is never a fault-finding mission. It’s about deepening your relationship with truth and authenticity.

Speak from an I space 

For instance, if your partner is a horse’s patoot, instead of telling him or her you think they are, try saying, “You know what I really need in my right partner is. (truth, support, more romance etc.) would you be open to trying that?”
Tell the truth no matter what. The only exception to this is of you are simply truth telling your truth to get rid of the guilt you feel, rather than to create healing.
On the other hand, don’t use the excuse that you don’t want to hurt anyone else. The truth doesn’t need to be delivered with a sledge hammer. For instance, if your partner says, Do you like this one on me? You can respond with, I really like the red one better.
So why dive in the deep end of life? Because you’ll stop being bored and that is where you will find your courage, your integrity and your real purpose. Isn’t that what you came here to do?