By Ken Wells, MDiv, MA, LPC, CSAT, LSAC 

Addictive behavior always involves betrayal. You say you will do one thing, but your good intent is torpedoed with destructive acting out behavior. There is a pall of gloom that hovers around those counting on you to be true to your word. Everyone is disappointed including you.

Your partner no longer believes a word you say. H/she is triggered by a number of experiences and then goes into ranting and railing about how you hurt them. Often, the rant is demeaning, condescending and devastating. The hard work you put in to correcting the course of wrong doing seems for naught. You swear your partner discounts your efforts with a litany of complaint and accusations. You really do love your partner and want to heal the relationship but you feel like running away. Here is a list of considerations that can help you not run away, but instead lean into the difficulty with an “I love you” statement.

When you have betrayed your partner, give them what they want.

What partners want is to be validated. This means to agree that you gaslighted—you took advantage of your deceit of them to act out in the way you did. Validation means you underscore that you did break their heart and that it makes sense that they would not trust you. This validation is not only verbal but includes you going out of your way to inform about your whereabouts, your plans for managing high risks, sacrificing events and trips that you normally would engage because you are working to rebuild the trust that has been broken.

When attacked, don’t just do something, stand there!

It is the hardest thing to not personalize an attack from a betrayed partner. It requires the “wise-mind” adult within to be in charge. Work with not personalizing. Be an observer. Separate your behavior from who you are. Place the shame on the destructive behavior not on your sense of self. It will cultivate compassion for you and your partner. Inwardly, cocoon yourself with solid affirmations about your being. Be present. Defensiveness is something you do that does not work. When you blow it, admit it and ask for a restart.

Don’t dominate with control and condescension toward your partner but don’t be voiceless.

Healthy assertion requires courage to be vulnerable. Aggressive communication only utilizes the strongest/loudest voice. There is no redeeming value in harshness that loving firmness would not be better. Harshness simply shuts down your partner and blocks relational healing. Practice deep listening to the needs of your betrayed partner. Don’t adopt a “walking on eggshells” mentality. Speak your truth with vulnerability.  Admit your failure often. Open your heart by expressing your feelings about your pain and remorse for them. Be real about your feelings about how you hurt them.

Don’t duck and dive from your pain and fear of abandonment.

Often recovering addicts try to control everything so that their partner is not triggered to go to a bad space that makes it difficult to coexist. This fosters a “go along to get along” environment and is dishonest. When other people in recovery disappoint, relapse or demonstrate disappointing behavior, an addict is triggered to embrace the thought that what happened in others’ lives will be the cause of disruption in your own life. Directly confronting the issue of fear can draw two people closer by reaffirming commitments to continue doing the hard work required for healthy recovery and deepening love for each other.

Rather than complain — make a request.

Learn to quietly celebrate incremental progress. When your partner opens their heart and is willing to be vulnerable by holding your hand, put their head on your shoulder, etc., quietly express gratitude for the improvement versus complaining about you not getting what you once had.

Read more insights about the importance of embracing every day experiences in recovery from Ken’s book “Dare to Be Average- Finding Brilliance in the Commonplace” – published by Daily House Publishing and currently on sale through Amazon.com.