Reflecting on my years in recovery, I’m amazed how open we have become talking about our struggles and our triumphs. We are no longer wrapped in the dark shame and despair of our addictions. We are sober, recovering people — and I am very proud to say that out loud.
From my first drink to my last, I carried the weight of shame, always fearing someone would discover what I thought was a secret. I wasn’t kidding anyone; those who knew me could tell in an instant I was drunk.
When confronted by friends and family who cared about my well being, oh how I tried to defend myself. Even when I felt horrible —when hangovers made every noise outside my window sound like a thousand jackhammers in my head—I denied there was a problem. Alcoholism held me captive, and I was fueled by the fear of revealing who I truly was. On rare occasions I agreed with family or friends about my behavior, yet every sentence was anchored by the word “but.” “I wasn’t planning on getting so drunk, but…“, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but…” the list can go on.
I’m not sure if I hit bottom or if my bottom hit me, it doesn’t matter. God’s timing is always impeccable. What matters is I am grateful to be living and breathing a sober life today.
Early on, I was told to “fasten my seat belt” for a wild ride. I was confused on how this new way of living worked, but those in long-term sobriety offered me a roadmap, held out their hand and said, come on and trudge the road with us! They said if I truly wanted what they had, I needed to become:
There is always something new to discover in recovery. The awareness we gain never ends if we pay close attention. This journey isn’t about getting from Point A to Point B; the road will seem bumpy, overwhelming, and frightening at times, especially in the beginning. But stay — it’s worth it!
Today, the “I know, but…” has been replaced with the ability to listen, and ask, what can I learn from this? In recovery we no longer hide out in isolation; we are here for one another. And as one of the many “works in progress”, I’m grateful my Higher Power saw a reason to keep me around.
I have my health, my friends, my family, and my colleagues. They mean the world to me. Thank you all for trudging this amazing road with me.
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