Celebration isn’t a Competition!

As a special day approaches, people are inclined to ask, “What are you going to do to celebrate?” Whether it’s a birthday, Valentine’s day, an anniversary, Halloween, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Sister or Brother’s Day, Cousin’s Day or Chinese New Year, people seem to assume that others are going to celebrate and it’s an easy conversation starter just about any month of the year.

Before I got into recovery, I could easily be tempted to plan celebrations I thought would be acceptable to others — something interesting or impressive. It didn’t feel like enough to just go out to dinner, it would have to be a restaurant that was expensive, exclusive, exciting, and/or entertaining. Better yet if you have never heard of the place!

Prior to program, gifts were a status symbol as well. If my romantic partner didn’t get me diamond studs or a Diamondbacks Suite or Neil Diamond seats, I imagined people wouldn’t really know that I was loved. The question, “What did they get you?” had to be answered with something spectacular enough to justify staying in the relationship.

 

Whew! Am I glad that’s over!

As a one year anniversary gift to each other, my husband and I each quit smoking. We started using medication in November and we started chewing the gum in December. In January we started using the patches and on February 14th, our household went fully nicotine-free. Friends asked what we did to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

In the throes of nicotine withdrawal, neither of us thought to buy a card or flowers or a steak or candy or make reservations or plan anything. I recall spending a good portion of the day sitting on the floor in the laundry room, crying. I don’t really even remember if we spoke to each other. Seems we just sorta drifted around in the house, trying not to not smoke and not kill ourselves or each other. The next few days were spent largely trying not to throat punch anyone who asked us what we got each other for Valentine’s Day, while we continued to withdraw from a drug that had coursed through our veins since before we could drive.

It turns out that not smoking, not hurting anyone, and not getting a divorce is a pretty good way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. We’ve adopted that as our tradition and have done exactly that for over 20 years now.

 

Building on that good idea

For gift-giving holidays like birthdays or anniversaries, we decided to celebrate those by not smoking, not drinking alcohol, not taking drugs, not hiring prostitutes, not gambling away our retirement fund, not ordering a weed pizza, not sniffing Sharpies, and not ingesting anything made out of household cleansers. Maybe it doesn’t sound as glamorous as a package from Louis Vuitton, Rolex, or Chanel, but I tell you what, we’ve got no buyer’s remorse about our celebrations. No monthly payments.

We do, however, have to protect our gifts to make sure we don’t lose them. We don’t call Lloyd’s of London for insurance, though, we check in with Bill & Bob, or Rozane, or Jimmy or Roy for the kind of long-term maintenance our gifts require.

If your life feels like it has become unmanageable, consider letting go of what isn’t working and start celebrating in a cooperative, not competitive, way.

 

Dr. Marlo Archer is a fellow of the American Society of Group Psychotherapy & Psychodrama and a Certified Supervisor with the International Deliberate Practice Society, actively engaged in training the next generation of experiential healers.

https://www.DrMarlo.com