Three Roadblocks to Recovery and One Intervention

Defensiveness

 Defensiveness is a familiar response early in recovery. It is an attempt to hide shame, to convince others (and ourselves) that “I am not a bad person.” Defensiveness is an attempt to distract the people who have been harmed from our offenses and shift the focus to them or minimize the behavior related to addiction. We defend because sitting with pain we have caused can be overwhelming.

 

Isolation

Isolation occurs when we do not want to be seen, usually because we are sinking in shame and fear facing the people we have hurt. There can be an element of, “I can do this on my own. No one has to know.” The problem is that no one does life well alone, even in the best of circumstances. We are social beings and need connection. Also, isolation is breeding ground for secrets, and secrets fuel addiction.

 

Impatience

Impatience is another pitfall for those in recovery. We look for a quick fix – “Just tell me what to do.” Or, we become exasperated when slips occur, which can, but don’t have to be common, leading to “this will never work” mentality. Impatience can also be directed at the people who have been hurt – “When will you get over this?” Again, shame drives this because it is difficult sitting with our shadow parts (addiction), when, for many people, they have spent a lifetime avoiding difficult emotions.

 

What intervention addresses these three roadblocks to recovery? Humility.

Humility is a skill that allows us to learn new tools and new ways of being. It says, “I don’t know, but I am willing to learn.” When we sit in humility we do not need to defend. We can sit with those we have hurt and be curious about their pain and their experience. We allow space for empathy which leads to healing.

When we sit with humility, we no longer need to isolate. We can be seen and learn that we are more than the addictive behavior. We can ask for help, and embrace a beginners mindset. “I don’t have the answers, and no one has all the answers.” We do life best together.

When we have humility we become patient. We embrace the belief “I am a growing and developing person,” and that takes a lifetime — and, the people we’ve hurt, they are growing also. When I give others space and time to grow it also brings healing.

Being humble recognizes our humanity— our shared humanity. It allows us to move towards acceptance of ourselves and others, working in community, and patience as we grow moment by moment, year by year. Work to stay humble in recovery it will pay a lifetime of dividends, long past the initial stages of sobriety.

 

Doug is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, M.S. in Counseling, Master’s of Divinity, Specialist in Problematic Sexual Behavior, Training in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Clinical Fellow of American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Reprinted with permission, PCS. Learn more at https://www.pcsintensive.com. (480) 947-5739