Pebbling: The Art of Expressing Affection Through Small Acts of Kindness

By Tallerita Tunney Rogers (Dine’), MSW MPA MBA

 

“You don’t love me”… the often expressed words of adolescents who ever had a caring person in their life.

As a mama to four babies ranging from almost 2 to 12 years old, the words above are a part of my tweens’ language, particularly when they are trying to express frustration and anger. As a Social Worker, I know it’s not about me or even about my love expressed, but more about what my kids are feeling.

Sometimes, it’s a bit embarrassing especially when “you don’t love me” is the response they give when I remind them about the chores that need to get done. As an Indigenous mama, from the Navajo Nation, parenting is a sacred responsibility, it is meant to be conducted in community, with my siblings as teacher/mentor-disciplinarians — and grandparents as teacher-affection-givers.

I grew up as a Gen-Zer, but more like a baby boomer on the rural Navajo Nation — without electricity, a telephone, even without running water, which meant *gasp* no television! Conventional knowledge like Salt n’ Peppa’s dance moves are beyond my knowledge base. Despite these challenges my parents persisted to innovate and prioritize my brothers and I so we understood love and affection from them as providers. We always felt their love! I can’t reciprocate that love especially as I live a solid 2.5 hour drive away from them, except for the times when I do visit and bring groceries, water, and other necessities they need. As an adult, our relationship has transitioned to one where my siblings and I are often in the provider role. So how else can I express care and concern? Through pebbling.

 

What is Pebbling?

Pebbling is a term and concept catching a lot of airwave and attention these days, mostly as a dating concept for showing affection and care for another person through sending or doing actions to demonstrate this. It could be messaging a meme, texting a brief message, sending a news article that only the both of you can deduce meaning from, usually the meaning is “I’m thinking of you.”

These days, the recipients of my pebbling are my big kiddos who have phones, my parents and siblings. Mostly, though, it’s my parents. Nothing says “I love you” more than sending an article about the Diamondbacks’ recent game interruption, or a meme referring to “tribal council” drama, or an amazing recipe my children and I made the night before. Our ongoing text thread alternates between actual words of conversation and these “pebbles”.

To me, these pebbles are reminiscent and similar to the times my mom woke up in the middle of the night to put another blanket on me on a cold, winter night. Or when she took a nursing newborn baby from me so I could eat a full meal uninterrupted as a new mom. Or when my dad brought me a cough drop in the middle of the night as I was sleeping because he heard me coughing. When I do these types of things for my kids, they don’t know any better that I am demonstrating love, even when I am reaching out for their hands as we cross a street or ask them to wait before leaving the vehicle with their baby siblings.

Pebbles, whether virtual or real actions of care and nurturing are every bit a part of our lives as people should have. It’s a convenient way to maintain a connection to my 12 year old who can be difficult when my attention is on my hungry toddler at the moment. Most of the time, I understand why he and my 10 year old feel “unloved”… their siblings take up all the attention and nurturing at this stage of our family life. So, I send them pebbles to demonstrate I’m still listening and they are very much seen. And when the timing is just right, I’ll ask them “you know, I love you right?” Most of the time the response is “Yes, mama. I love you too.”

How do you leave pebbles of affection for your loved ones? Are they being received well? Should they be different pebbles? Do you get the right amount and type of pebbles back that you need?

 

Tallerita Tunney Rogers is a Diné (Navajo) Social Worker who earned an MBA in Healthcare from Northern Arizona University, an MSW and MPA from Arizona State University, and a BA in Sociology from Macalester College in St. Paul, MN.  She is Integrated Partner Liaison at Via Linda Behavioral Hospital.Tallerita has had a variety of work experiences within Indigenous communities and non-profit organizations serving Indigenous people in AZ and Denver, CO. Tallerita has conducted program development and planning with urban tribal communities in suicide prevention; all of which contributes to her passion for advocacy and community development needs with particular emphasis on supporting vulnerable populations. Her most important role are as mother to 4 beautiful Dine’ children and as eldest daughter to the most supportive and giving parents.