Showing Up or Shoving Off

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Do you have friends and family that really show up for you, or all they offering sound bytes that are not helpful and take less than a modicum of energy? We are rushing and sometimes I think we are rushing away from the things we need most; things like connection, caring and belonging. Especially now.

It seems rare to have someone say, “I’m here for you,” these days and it started me thinking about what being here for someone really means. I know the effect of it. I feel seen and met it in some uncommon way that expresses love and sincere caring. I feel blessed and afterward, I feel full in a way that lasts long after the person is gone and I know I can count on it to return again.

It’s different than “Oh I am sorry you are feeling bad. I’ll check in with you tomorrow.” It sounds more like, “Okay I am walking through your front door and I want to know what I can do for you.”

It’s different than, “Gee it’s hard having to deal with that but I know you’ll figure it out.”

It’s more like well, damn, what are we going to do about this. Let’s talk about our next step.”    

Okay, so I know, to some of you it may sound as if I am asking you to take on someone else’s problems. I’m not. I ask you to check-in with yourself and see whether you are really connecting and creating a sense of belonging and bonding that says, I am not just all talk, I am really here for you, whether it’s for five minutes or a lifetime. We are missing the connections that are rich and meaningful in our lives. I am curious about whether it’s because we don’t know how to create meaningful connections in this “okay Boomer, deeply segregated” mentality, or if we are really just afraid to get connected.

Let me start by saying you get to have boundaries, limit time spent, honor yourself and stay in your own lane, as we say. However, you also get to be fully present and deeply caring when you are together with a person you care about and with whom you want a meaningful relationship.

One of the best ways to deepen your connection is by making a commitment to grow together. Talk about the things you are wrestling with and share ideas and concerns. Own the places you need support and ask for ideas and own how you yourself can also support the other person. For instance, I recently made a contract with a friend to have her text me each morning after she decided that she would be willing to honor herself and her needs instead of only doing for others. So for about four weeks, she did that. Each morning I would get a text saying “Today I am loving myself,” and shortly after she made a major decision to do something to take care of herself, that she had been afraid to do before. She just needed the reminder a little text and commitment gave her. And, it also reminded me to do some things I needed to do to take care of myself better. Supporting each other as we walk this path of evolving is a great gift, even in the simplest of ways.

Love is a verb, an action word 

It’s only real when we follow it up by showing up, taking risks, being truthful and authentically bonding and belonging. It isn’t only meant for lovers. It’s meant for the stranger on the street, the mother and father no matter their age, the baby who can’t yet speak and the friend or person who needs your hand at their back to remind him or her that you really are there. And here is the kicker. These are all thing we do— not for the other person— but for ourselves. It’s our process of discovering our own character, values and fulfilling our commitment to our own purpose of being who we came here to be…authentically honorable and loving.

Clearly one of the biggest gifts to creating meaning and depth in our relationships is communication. Clear and truthful communication is a must in every relationship to be successful. People sit on their feelings of disappointment or perceived betrayal, only to find when they finally talk about the issue, perhaps even years later, it was misunderstood in the first place. And there needs to be joy and laughter in our communication. 

We need to laugh at ourselves and the asinine things we say and do when we are afraid. If we can own them in ourselves, then we can also forgive them in others.

Right now, let us all take a deep deep breath and be willing to jump into the deep end of this part of the evolutionary pond. 

Trust me the only thing you’ll come out of the water with — is a smile.

Dr. Dina is a Marriage, Family, and Child Therapist and Consciousness Counselor. She has presented nationwide seminars and workshops, written several books and created meditation CDs for couples, individual and mental health professionals. She has also won national acclaim as a human rights advocate. Visit www.drdinaevan.com or call her at 602 571-8228.