Conscious Listening The Peace that comes from Mirroring

Road rage is among the most bizarre new forms of communication. People are so fed up being cut off and tailgated, they snap when someone does one of them. People are also so used to being cut off in their daily communication, that an analogous frustration exists in day-to-day speech. Folks aren’t shooting each other for being interrupted in mid-sentence, but I am suggesting that we’re so stressed by these bad manners that passes for listening, the simple act of talking creates an anticipatory anxiety.

If neurophysiologists could monitor motorists experiencing road rage, and being interrupted they might find a similar pattern of neurophysiological disturbance.

 

Mirroring: A New Way of Listening

Prior to introducing the art of mirroring in my “Conscious Communication” class, I demonstrate Unconscious Communication—more aptly, Unconscious Listening—which consists of a volunteer talking to me. The volunteer might say something about her brother, which elicits a monologue by me about the relationship between my brother and me. This gets enormous laughs.

When I ask the volunteer how she feels from our exchange, she says the best word she can think of is angry. I ask if our exchange reminds her of exchanges she’s had and she agrees that it does. So I ask if she feels angry when that happens to her, and she says that she’s so used to it, she’s resigned to it happening. Then I ask if resignation and anger are what she’d like to feel in communication. Her answer is an obvious no. So I ask if she’d like an alternative. The answer is yes.

 

An alternative, called mirroring, follows below.

SPEAKER: I had a wonderful night at the movies last night. I saw Avatar in 3-D, and it was a spiritual experience, crying and laughing as my heart opened deeply. I’ve long practiced a meditation technique from India, and I know that the Sanskrit word “avatar” is an incarnation of the divine. So, watching the hero defending the Pandorans against greedy Earthlings, who wanted to steal their resources and destroy their homeland, was like watching Christ, Buddha, or Krishna coming to Earth to restore balance to a world gone wrong.

LISTENER (ME): I hear you saying that watching Avatar gave you a spiritual experience with an opened heart. A longtime meditator, you know that an avatar is a divine incarnation, and you saw the hero’s defense of Pandora against greedy profiteers was like Christ, Buddha, or Krishna coming to Earth to return balance to our planet. Is this right?

The speaker felt incredibly heard. When I asked if she often felt incredibly heard in daily life, tears welled up in her eyes and she said, “No,” adding she rarely feels heard, and almost never feels incredibly heard. When I asked how it felt to be so clearly heard, she said “Great, a kind of validation.”

When I asked if she felt peace, she shook her head affirmatively. I then asked if she would like to help others feel more peaceful by her mirroring back to them? “Of course,” she replied.

I then have participants in pairs take turns talking and listening, consciously speaking, and mirroring. By the time each group is finished mirroring back two pieces of communication, I look see smiles on every face. Many hug each other in gratitude for validating them, and hearing them so well. When I open the floor for sharing, more than half of the students enthusiastically raise their hands to share their exuberance. I can barely contain their gushing over such a rarity in their lives.

I tell participants to practice mirroring at home. I don’t suggest every time someone speaks that they mirror back; people would go crazy if everything was mirrored back, because they’re so accustomed to constant interruptions. But a little every day gives people a very peaceful feeling, and they’ll start to think of you as a listening oasis, a relaxing ear, who they’ll want to talk to often. You’ll make a big difference for people. They’ll be so grateful to you for letting them be heard they’ll be more than happy to listen to anything you have to say.

 

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