6 Ways to Support a Loved One with ADHD

By Michaela Ortega

 

Maybe you have lived with someone with ADHD growing up. Maybe you are currently in a relationship with someone with ADHD. Maybe someone you love just received an ADHD diagnosis. No matter what, if someone you care about has ADHD and you don’t, you have some work to do. Here are six ways to start the journey of supporting a loved one with ADHD:

 

1. Don’t expect their brain to work the same way as yours. 

Let me say that one more time. Don’t expect their brain to work the same way as yours. When your brain may sound like a relatively focused stream of thoughts, theirs may feel like six radio stations are all on at the same time all the time. When your brain can focus on a task for an hour, their brain may focus on a task for eight hours. When your brain reminds you of daily self-care of hygiene tasks, theirs may not. When we can stop expecting their brain to function the same as ours, we create space for curiosity.

 

2. Be curious about their experience

Living with or being with someone with ADHD can be challenging. And it becomes easy to see their behaviors that affect you negatively. While this is understandable, its not helpful. Instead, do your best to be curious about their experience. What must it be like for them to struggle to be consistent? What must it be like for them to feel bombarded with different thoughts all day long? What is it like for them to get lost or completely obsessive with an activity only for it to fall off a few weeks later? What must it be like for them to struggle with time management? Begin leading your thought cycle with questions like these to help point you in a more compassionate and productive direction.

 

3. Validate their experience 

Let me start by getting one quick misconception out of the way, and that is that validation does not equal agreement. To validate someone does not mean we agree with them. I’m not asking you to agree with them, I’m asking you to connect with them. When we can validate our loved one, we create a bridge of connection. Without that validation, we stay rooted on two different sides of a river. Validation builds a bridge of connection that allows forward movement together possible.

 

4. Be mindful that our culture largely does not support the ways in which their brain works

This is a big one. By and large, our culture does not support the ways in which any neurodivergent brain works. As awareness continues to increase, shifts and adaptations are occurring, but often not in a significant enough way that a person with ADHD can feel affirmed or supported by our culture. Rugged individualism characterizes the expectations of our society. This black and white thinking results in serious consequences for someone with ADHD, often leaving them with intense feelings of shame, inadequacy, and defectiveness. Talk with your loved one about this. Get curious. Validate. And…

 

5. Do your research!

Fortunately, there is tons of information about ADHD and adult ADHD to be found online now days. If someone you love or care about has ADHD, take the time to do some research. Read articles online, order books on Amazon, listen to podcasts, talk with others you know who have ADHD. And then go back and talk to your loved one about what you learn. See what they resonate with. This is also often a great way for your loved one to feel seen by you.

 

6. It’s okay to say this is hard. 

Last but not least, give yourself a break and give yourself permission, as the non-ADHDer, to admit that this is hard – because it is! This is a huge learning curve! And one that takes time, patience, and humility to undertake. If you’re reading this, remind yourself that you care, and you’re doing your best. Just as your loved one is. Keep in mind the suggestions above, but overall, take care of your emotional state so you can show up for your loved one as the person you want to be.