You Weren’t Meant to Heal Alone

Reprinted with permission of Meadows Behavioral Healthcare

None of us are immune from the ravages of pain, trauma, grief, fear, and, at times, the impulse to check out. We all know someone — often ourself — who is struggling with relationships, depression, anxiety, drugs or alcohol, or a serious problematic behavior. We often notice when others have great potential that never blossoms due to self-sabotaging actions. But we may not see that same potential in ourselves. We may be making one poor decision after another. We may have secrets or are privy to the secrets of others that are fueling self-loathing. Fortunately, all of us are capable of healing and moving forward in our lives with a far greater sense of our worth. We’re all able to learn skills that can lead to healthier relationships with ourselves and others.

Unfortunately, by not being able to identify why we feel and act as we do, by thinking we “should” be able to get our act together, or by fearing what the healing process could entail, we often do nothing. It is as if we think that somehow we are supposed to spontaneously be okay, or that the only way to deal with the hand we’ve been dealt is passive acceptance. Or we irrationally avoid asking for help, since we believe therapy could be better spent on someone whose situation we perceive as worse than ours.

Mental Health Struggles are More Common Than You May Realize

Today, it is estimated that nearly half of Americans are struggling with a mental health issue. While there are many contributing factors, what lies beneath so many of our mental health, relationship, and addiction issues is the experience of trauma.

The word “trauma” comes from the Greek, meaning a wound, a hurt, or a defeat. It is the result of a shock to the body, mind or soul. It can be caused by stimulus too powerful or too sudden and unexpected to be assimilated or processed in a normal way by our body and brain. This painful experience overwhelms our ability to cope.

Many of us aren’t aware of what trauma actually is, so contending with the possibility that we may have experienced trauma at some point can come with some skepticism. I ask you to be open to learning about traumatic stress. Because very, very often it is the biggest influencer of much of our self-destructive thinking and behavior, and at the root of our many problems.

The reality is no one can move through life without experiencing some type of trauma. It seems to be a part of the human condition, whether it takes the form of losing a child at childbirth, losing your home in a tornado, living with severe criticism, growing up with addiction and violence, being raised with physical or sexual abuse, growing up in a highly rigid and controlling family, being a person of color in a white supremacist society, being LGBTQI+ in a homophobic and gender-phobic community — the list goes on.

Living with Trauma

Traumatic experiences put us at risk for not being able to feel safe in the world, setting us up for hypervigilance. When we have been traumatized, we operate from a place of fear and seek to garner control in reaction to having felt powerlessness or defeat at some point in time. Over time, we may lose faith in others, whether a particular person or group, or all people in general. We feel a disconnect from others, unable to feel close. We keep emotional or physical distance from others in an attempt to avoid being hurt again. Or we may do the opposite, actively seeking to be rescued and not developing our own strong sense of self. We may question what is true or real in the world. Any sense of calmness is long gone, we are generally tense, worried or afraid. Just being who we are, or simply being alive feels painful or risky.

Getting Help

It’s likely that trauma has impacted your ability to regulate your nervous system and calm your limbic system. So a treatment approach that emphasizes emotion regulation will help you develop an internal capacity to feel safe and calm. Learning and practicing healthy ways to soothe yourself and feel safe in your own skin are imperative. That is where body-oriented therapies are significant. Also important to healing is addressing any profound beliefs in your lack of value, in your unrelenting shame, in your deep despair and angst. In essence, healing involves learning to deactivate the defensive maneuvers that once insured your survival.

If you are struggling, do not overlook or underestimate the possibility that trauma is a contributing factor. Mental health and addiction problems very frequently have a co-occurring diagnosis that requires treating both it and the traumatic stress and its many symptoms simultaneously. By addressing the dual issues, recovery is even more possible. Reprinted with permission of Meadows Behavioral Healthcare

About the Author

Claudia Black, PhD, is a world-renowned clinician internationally recognized for her pioneering work with family systems and addictive disorders. Her work with children impacted by drug and alcohol addiction in the late 1970s fueled the advancement of the codependency and developmental trauma fields. She is the clinical architect of the Claudia Black Young Adult Center, part of the Meadows Behavioral Healthcare family of treatment programs, and she serves as a Meadows Senior Fellow alongside other leaders in the behavioral health field. Dr. Black has more than a dozen books to her credit, including It Will Never Happen to Me, Intimate Treason, and Unspoken Legacy

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