My Best Thinking

“Problems cannot be solved with the same mind-set that created them.”  Albert Einstein

I heard the quote above when I began my recovery journey, and those words speak volumes. 

My best thinking worked something like this:

“I want to go out tonight; maybe if I eat something first I won’t get so drunk.”

“I’m REALLY going to pace myself; I’ll have water in between the vodkas.”

“I won’t stay out late, then I won’t get too loaded.”

“I’ll have a few drinks at home, then I won’t drink so much at the bar.”

I spent hours trying to figure out a formula that would work for me, and nothing did. 

There were so many empty promises made to myself, family and friends. My actions and antics were no longer funny or to be taken lightly. As my alcoholism progressed, it took less and less to get me drunk — there were times I was blacked out after one drink. I could not imagine how that was happening. My clever mind told me, “take a day off here and there, wait till it gets it out of your system.” That never worked either. None of it does if you’re an alcoholic.

As I was closing in on approaching my bottom, alcohol was no longer working for me — not the way it had. I needed it as much as I needed air to breathe. Instead of socializing with others, I was hiding in my clothes closet with a wine bottle or two, alone and pathetic. I passed out many a night, and when the booze wore off wondering how I got in there. That’s where my best thinking got me.

“Everyone else is wrong, what I was doing wasn’t so bad, I wasn’t hurting anyone, and I’ll stop tomorrow.” My best thinking. Those were the lies I told myself over and over and over again. 

I am grateful I live sober today. I was given an opportunity to start over with a fresh slate. All I had to do was … 1.) Not pick up a drink or drug for 24 hours at a time, 2.) Listen and keep my mouth shut, 3.) Do the work  required to amend the past and take it a day at a time, 4.) Ask for help, 5.) Find a power greater than myself, 6.) Become Willing, Honest and Humble.

Slowly my life began to piece itself together, and as I ‘came to’ from addiction —I came to believe.

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