What Love is and is Not!

Deborah Anapol, Ph.D. says, “Love is force of nature. No matter how much we want to, we cannot demand, command or disappear love”

It’s true, you can’t make someone love you and you can’t really stop them either. I do believe however you can create love. Love is the most powerful force in the Universe and therefore it is also the most fearful.
Ownership, which many confuse as being love, prevents freedom — however love encourages it. If love could speak it would say… “I am so grateful for you, please just be fully who you are and let me hold a sacred space in which you can unfold.”

Standing in that space feels like a gift to both people. So clearly love is not ownership, manipulation, compromising one’s self, violence, contempt or fear. Nor is love just lust.
People also mistake love as something that should only be given to a partner, husband or wife. Actually, love is something that should be given freely to everyone, including ones self. When it is given freely, it leaves little room for depression, loneliness or desperation. These cannot co-exist with love.

I ask participants at my seminars to raise their hands if they have ever been in love. Only those people who have partners raise their hands. Then, I ask, who here has had a best friend, a child, a mom, a brother, a sister a mentor or a special teacher? Who here has eaten chocolate or peppermint ice cream with hot fudge sauce? Who has had fresh baked bread or hot buttered popcorn? Who here has run in the rain, been blown open or inspired by a truth or been moved to tears by genuine caring? I believe if you have ever experienced any of these, you have been in love. Love is not limited to anyone or anything. That means, of course that we can fall in love everyday. In fact, you fall in love every time you are able to see the Divine, Spirit, God or whatever you want to call it, in anything or anyone.

When see your friend’s spirit, or you see spirit in your child’s smile, or your mom’s love…you have just met love. You see love is a choice. You can make love happen just by seeing the beauty in everything. Author, Erich Fromm says we make it happen in four steps by caring and demonstrating active concern for each others growth and life; by taking responsibility for or actions and reactions to each other and our expressed and unexpressed needs; respecting each other’s unique individuality and supporting and cherishing that, and finally by what he calls knowledge, in other words caring enough to really take the time to invest the energy in getting to know each other at a deeper level. Most of us say, “How are you,” not really caring or “Let’s have coffee,” then we go home and within  20 minutes we have disconnected completely. Some of that is because we are overwhelmed in our own lives, but acting in this way, disconnects us from the very thing that would fill us up…deep connections. True love is connected, attached and committed, no matter what the form.

Obviously, not all the forms of love will come from just one person, so it’s important to connect with many people and create lots of opportunities to both give and receive love. If you are afraid to receive love, find a good therapist. They will remind you if you have been hurt in the past or have lost love and are now refusing to be open to it again…that’s a bit like saying “ I once had either the best or the worst sushi in the world, so I am never eating food again.” Whether you eat sushi or not, you get the point.  I am sure whatever your experience, you no doubt learned a great deal, so now go and put that experience to good use and find someone to love.

Here’s the deal. Find the people in your life who see your soul — not just how sexy you are. Find the people who care about your character not just who you know, where you have been or what you own. Find the people who stay when you disagree and hear you even when what you are saying is different than what they know to be true. Find the people who can say, ” You’re right, I’m sorry.“ Find the people who want to grow with you, grow old with you and who will lie under the stars and listen in the silence to your heartbeat. Find the ones who will hold your hand and stay even when they are as scared as you are. Then love them and yourself like crazy. Happy heart day from all of us.